My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.