Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.