‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.