Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
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.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.