when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You Might Also Like
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
O Wise One….
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
when someone rings the doorbell