As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
You Might Also Like
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Breaking news:
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.