Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
john wicks are toilet candles
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
A leaf blower, but for people.