Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Lmfao
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign