[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!