ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
This is my brand.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better