Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel