Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.