Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
mathematically impossible
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?