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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.