The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.