you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.