doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?