You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[eulogy]
line?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.