[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?