A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
2023 was just a warmup
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*