The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
2022 be like
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company