Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”