[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing