A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
a god among men
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.