What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.