DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back