I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.