I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”