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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
HERE’S MARKY
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
moms in horror movies
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.