My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
new shirt idea
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.