*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Oh no
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion