Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Come back with a warrant
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..