Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades