Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?