If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
You Might Also Like
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
oh my gosh!!
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face