My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.