WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit