I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
You Might Also Like
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.