A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.