My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
You Might Also Like
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
the saddest jazz hands ever
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.