Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
that lip filler tho