*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.