*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You Might Also Like
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
what kind of cook setting is this??
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it