According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Who’s your best friend?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.