“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Mornin
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.