Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Important
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues