My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Sorry. Not sorry
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”