Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I triple waxed for this?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I can’t deal with men any longer
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL