Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.