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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
c’mon!
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.